To Whom it may concern,
Some of you, fellow Birminghamians and non-Birminghamians alike, may already be aware that local "band," The Magic Math, have a debut album (actually a double EP on two CDs) coming out on January 24th of 2012, called "The Magic Math humbly suggest Living is a Miracle." Most of you, I suspect, find this as news, but regardless, I am writing to encourage all of you to pay no attention to this self- righteous "band."
Why the sour attitude, you ask? Well first of all, I write "band" in quotation marks because lead singer and sole songwriter, Van Hollingsworth, openly admits, like Billy Corgan, to performing almost all the instruments, except the drums, in the studio himself. Dictating precise parts the few other musicians playing. Talk about an ego-maniac! Not to mention that every instrument on this album is acoustic. Not even an electric bass makes an appearance. Ugh, I liked it better the first time when it was called SUFJAN STEVENS. Hello? 2006 called. It wants its mandolins, accordions, and glockenspiels back! But I digress...
More to my point: what kind of rock band titles its album "Living is a Miracle?" A title so oozing with sentimental positivity that even Elmo from Sesame Street is throwing up in his mouth a little. The "You are Beautiful" graffiti plastered all around the city was pretentious enough. Now this? How I long for the grunge days when rock was a nihilistic assault on propriety. Not some life-affirming hallmark card!
And who do they expect will want to listen to a thusly title album? Certainly not me. I prefer to power through the day, head down, teeth clenched, swearing at my cell phone as I navigate the oncoming traffic, blood at a constant simmer, just below boiling. My point is: I have important things to be doing and I busy myself doing them. Let some other fool expend precious time sniffing flowers. Why do they want me to pause from my important things to ponder the cosmos, or reality, or whatever it is, anyway? The truth is it's really not all that mysterious. I mean, everything started at the big bang. Jesus redeemed us sinners. Bouncy balls return to the earth at 9.8 meters per second, per second. And God has a special plan for each of us. Smart people in positions of authority have told us how it all works. We surely don't need some smug folk singers to share their two cents. On that note, I suppose I've shared mine, so I'll conclude by again urging you all to ignore the new album "The Magic Math humbly suggest Living is a Miracle."Sincerely,
William F. Clueless